Seasick.

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Playing with Fire.

I found myself doing something
that I usually always seem to do
every two to three years
I find myself playing with fire
I’m not going to agree with you
because she is not a sidepiece
She just came to exist in my life
least unexpectedly the exact time
my whole world walked out
Cant lie though, I liked not being alone
especially when I was promised
the loyalty from that one person
who absolutely meant the most
No matter how far apart in the world
she drifts in and out of my mind
like the tide in and out of the harbour
I dip into the water from time to time
and most people know I hate the ocean
You used to be able to watch from afar
But afar for us, is facebook and such
You insisted I carry on with my shit
but I remember sometimes you hide
till you opened up to me too
I cant forget your last voicemail
‘but I can’t do this I love you too
but I don’t want to get hurt by you’
As a man invested in a relationship
it is my duty to ignore such thoughts
but i am afraid that i am forcing
my heart to bury its soulmate
knowing that it still walks
upon this earth.

Its not that I dont want you to
but if you dont want to
you can sleep without me.

Please sleep without me
without the drama
without getting up
in the middle of the night
screaming my name.

I already cant handle it
Your cries are too much
I dont want to be the one
who takes the fall for both of us

Give me some space to breathe
I dont want to regret what I say
I dont want to be the only one
who suffers all this pain

I wish you the world
I’ll always wish you the best
I’ll always wish you the sun
but don’t you dare wish me your love
becaause it could be a stupid trick
that I’ll somehow fucking fall for.

.?!

If I could play god
my father wouldnt be dead.
my mother wouldnt be in rehab
with a drinking problem
and my baby brother wouldnt
use drugs as an excuse not to try.

But I’m not.

I don’t know what to do.

..

Could you be right?
I can’t make up my mind.
I spend all this time running around with my tail between my legs wondering what I should do about my botched relationship.. and I’ve forgotten to take care of myself. I will only talk to you because as much as I hope that the world is kind and my friends and family are understanding, I’ve already made myself believe that no one wants to hear my problems..and if I spill, I’m going to feel like I’m a burden. I’m going to feel bad, so I withdraw, one step back until the next time I hear from you hoping you don’t bring it back up because that’ll be another step back until I give you the excuse that I’m way too busy to see you.
I can’t make up my mind still..
I want to be stronger than this..
You’re the second to last person I can talk to before I end up in a psych ward.

……

I remember parts of the old you. I remember the parts of you that constantly craved everyones attention and love just 2 feel alive or something.. youre not strong, you are easily influenced and youre also the most insecure person I know. I probably could have walked out on you years ago and you wouldnt have cared.. or you would have but you would quickly recover and be somewhere else but throughout the years you made me feel as if you have nothing to lose and I was the most dumbest person in the world chasing you.

I’m not gonna chase you anymore. I spent so much time in the first few years chasing someone who didnt care. I want to be the only one for you. I want you to acknowledge that youre not single and cant always do whatever the fuck you want. You dont like me telling you what to do. You dont like listening to me. My opinion doesnt matter if its not yours. You say im not the boss of you. Why do you want me?

I feel like weve been in a REAL relationship for the past two years.. and when I look back to other four earlier years.. Im not even sure if that even counts. I wanna talk with you about serious shit more when we’re sober and I want you to open up with me without being shy, thats what normal couples do. I want to be able to have my own space to calm down in peace and quiet after an arguement without you hovering over me while I try to recollect my thoughts. I dont want anymore reasons to be mad at you over small or big things. Youve made me feel so many things that Ive never felt before, good and bad but all I want,  is to just feel two:

Happy & love from you.

Dirt.

Its funny what a little digging can do.
You told me to trust and believe in you.
But I know what you did.
I’m not gonna bother hitting you up.
I’m just gonna let it ride to nothing.
Im not gonna stand for it this time.
I will not be taken for a fuckin mug.

Thank you, You just gave me the push to open my eyes.