Circles

Because I am so full of love
because I do not disappoint too easily
because I can forgive when needed
because I put all before myself
because I am persistent

I’ll always keep running circles
Around you.

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Idk part 2.

You’ve made it loud and clear tonight just like I should have listened all the other nights.

I don’t deserve to be physically worshipped. My body isn’t a temple.
It is the abandoned carpark on the wrong side of town.

I’m not a man. I never will be.
I am less of who I think I am.
I will always be less of who I want to be.

I’m pathetic and irrelevant
my opinions don’t matter when i think yours are wrong. Even if I’m actually right.

All your friends hate me. All of them never liked me.. because I’m not a likeable person. I will forever be abusive and crazy even when a person changes their stars.

I am incapable of love because I don’t mean it even when my heart shatters the floor. I’m not loving you the way you want me to so any other way won’t count at all.

My tears are worthless and all show because they’re all for attention and desperation. If I hold back the pain I don’t care2 so thats your excuse not to either.

I am replaceable with someone who was always there and when I was standing beside you I was always getting in the way.

I don’t deserve to be physically worshipped. My body is not a temple.
It is an abandoned carpark on the wrong side of town… because you still hold the past to my throat and slice through spilling my regrets.

What we had is now gone.
I’m so sorry for that.

untitled.

I want to wake up in the morning and hope you’re still not being proud.

I want you to take it back
tell me you were wrong, that you care.

For once tell me that I was worth it
that you don’t want to lose me

Tell me it was just your fucking ego          that you could put all of it aside

Because if you prove me to be all wrong unfortunately I’ll believe everything

I’ll believe all of your fucking harshness I’ll believe your lack of love

I’m gonna take everything you said
I’ll attach the weights and drown it

Hoping it will never surface back
Hoping that I did the right thing

Hoping you don’t change your mind
because I’m weak deep down inside

I’ll never admit I’m hurting real bad
because thats weakness in your eyes

I don’t want your sympathy no more
or that look that means you’ve won

I need the strength somewhere within
to be alright eventually on my own.

Idk.

I woke up this morning furious from a dream that felt like a dull memory slowly slipping away. I remember the important parts though. It’s not a fictitious story..This is true life and it happens to everybody. In every relationship, I’m pretty sure that sooner or later the idea or even the act of sex between two people in love go out the window.

Then there’s always that one person who says ‘but sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship’ well.. cool! good for you, that’s your opinion. You obviously don’t know me. You don’t know that my signature way of showing love is through touch, not talking. Apparently if I’m not getting any I’m supposed to just suck it up and get over it.. they say the woman has the power over the pussy and she decides whether or not it’ll happen..you wonder why people have affairs or get so addicted to porn. I know I am.

The last time I had sex was 2 days ago. Prior to that it had almost been 9 months. What the fuck is that? I’m not moaning about it like I’m horny 24/7. Its deeper than that. Its about the connection, feeling physically wanted in the moment..Its about knowing that the one you love is attracted to you as well as every inch of your skin flawed and all.

here we go.. now I’ve got writers block

Step 2.

I’ve thought about it.

You have my heart. All of me. I’m fucking in love with you… I do want to marry you and soon enough I know I will. Ok lets have three kids then. I’ll probably have to work three jobs. This country isn’t exactly inexpensive and I’ll always want the best for all of you. I don’t mean to brag but I think I am good enough for you.. I think I deserve you and I think I am the best for you. I know I fucked up more times than I can count on both hands and I know I’m not exactly loaded or even employed right now but I was always next you when you had nobody, I was always next to you when all those people you called ‘friends’ walked away. I’ll go everywhere and anywhere in the world for you, I’ll follow you to the end even when you are abit of an annoying brat sometimes. You’re not only the love of my life but you’re also one of the best friends I could ever have. You take me for me and for who I can be when I’ll reach the top. You’re the only one who really believes in me and my potential. I can never really tell you how much I appreciate the kindness and generosity you give me so I just want to say thank you for making me feel like the luckiest person in the world. I can never put a value or price on you and how much you mean to me because not even the richest person in the world could afford that. I love you with all my heart and just know that I support you and every decision you make for us, for you and for your family overseas. I want you to also know that if you have to leave me.. I’ll completely understand and I won’t have any hard feelings. You have my permission to break my heart if you can’t live in the country because of your parents but not on the sly. Never behind my back, never because you’ve found someone else. That will be the day I put up a guard, you wont be able to come back in. Not even as a friend. I’ve realised why I never put my family before you and it’s because if all of them turn their back on me or pass away..all I’ll have is you.. but I’ve also realised over the past two days that regardless of all the shit I put up with.. people coming, people going, people dying and you choosing whether or not to stay…

I know I’ll always be ok.

For my daughter

You don’t even exist yet but I know that when you come into the world I’m going to love you with all my heart and soul. I look forward to the sleepless nights and feeling exhausted within the first few years of your life but it won’t bother me while you’re cradled in my arms and i’m rocking you back to sleep. I look forward to feeding you and watching you make a mess and throwing your apple puree on the floor. I look forward to watching you take your first steps and uttering your first word and just to be clear.. I hope you say ‘Dada’ first lol

I will always be there to hold your hand while walking you into your classroom on the first day of school..and its ok if you don’t want to let go. I won’t either till you’re ready. As awkward as this sounds we will have a talk on the birds and the bees and being safe when your 13 years old and I’m definetly putting you in a self defence class after school so you can learn to physically kick ass should anything happen to you and I’m not around. Lets hope it will never come to that day.

I’d be lying if I said I’d be okay with you dating. I’ll try my best not to be too intimidating or interrogate your boyfriend.. but it might happen anyway. He has to have a job, a good sense of humor, be a family man, be social and believe in God. Please don’t bring home a guy who does drugs..I’m drawing the line at that. If he hits you, hit him back and come straight to me so I can hit him too when he shows up at the front door to apologize.

I’ll be honored to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day and I’m already 10steps ahead with the father daughter dance. Thank gosh I was taught how to waltz at a younger age.

During your lifetime, I might embarrass you in front of your partner and friends for laughs.. I’ll tell you off if you fucked up. I’ll hug you when you’re feeling down and I’ll pick you up if you fall. I hope I can be the best father and role model for you til the rest of my living days. I hope I can be a great example of kindness, generosity and many more.. Teach you different life skills.. I hope you will be proud of me for trying for you.

You don’t even exist yet but I’m proud of you.

Me.

I’ve screwed up alot of things. More times that I can count on both hands. Relationships. Friendships. You name it. Did they deserve it? No. Do I think I’m better? No. Shit happens. Life goes on.

Theres the saying..

‘keep your friends close and you’re enemies closer’.                                        

Um Why?

My enemies did a four against 1. I took it for what it was..behind the beatings I knew they were just jealous of my life even though it wasnt even that great at the time. Fuck it, their instability wasnt my problem. Find a counsellor. Seek the lord.

Its not like they give a fuck about whether or not Im still breathing tonight. However Its not like I dont get it though..feeling the envy. Feeling your blood boil over something that is out of your control. Nothing is worth acting out over..I can admit though..I can relate..

Its the satisfaction that counts. Fullstop.

You cant blame the mind for going dark. You cant blame the mind for being pessimistic. Typo? I dont know. Whatever self control you have left. Push play.9

My friends.. Youre probably sick of me. All of you. I either have time for you or I dont. But you’ll never know if its a legitimate reason. I can say no…. dont worry. Its me.. not you. We wont have to talk for months and you want to hang but I’ve already convinced myself not to go. Ive already screened myself out. I live a thumbs up or thumbs down lifestyle. I may infact probably be the worst friend you ever had.

However If you choose to take me as I am..regardless how up and down I am.. I’ll give you 200% of my loyalty. Till the end. I’ll take a bullet for you. Maybe a knife lol it better kill me though.. or I’ll be very angry if your psycotic intention was all for nothing.

Ask for help. Do it yourself. Raise your hand. Be a man. Speak your voice. Dont say shit. Say yes. Say no. walk away. stand your ground. Fight for whats right. Its not even worth it. maybe another time. I’ll always be there.       

This is why, I only rely on myself.